Recommended reading for every household !!

The Stranger A few years after I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger ….. he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries, and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the football and cricket. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn’t seem to mind. Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home … not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My dad didn’t permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked … And NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. If you could walk into my parents’ den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name? We just call him, ‘TV.’ He has a wife now. We call her, ‘Computer’.

Reply to a concerned Citizen

Subject: Fw: Concerned Citizen .

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of  captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply: National Defence Headquarters MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitud inal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we’ll be watching.Good luck and God bless you. Cordially, Gordon O’Connor Minister of National Defense (former) Footnote:- If you wish to find the perfect antidote then email me at troedel@three.com.au

The observant couple

A parking inspector was writing out a ticket for the car beside him when a elderly couple approached.
The old man saying “Give us a go we are elderly citizens” the parking attendant did lift his eyes and placed the ticket on the windscreen
and did not answer.  The old man then “you are a son of bitch” where upon the ticket writer then started writing a second ticket.
No sooner as he finished writing the second ticket when his wife starting ex pleating words that children should here so the writer then started on his third ticket.
The old man then said to his wife as they continued on their way looking at the man  placing the last ticket on the car.
“Darling it is a good thing we caught the train to town”

USA – first day at school

An Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA   It was the first day of school and a new student named
Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, ‘Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775′ he said.
Very good!’ Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’
again no response except from Chandrashekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be  ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About  its history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘F**k the Indians,’
‘Who said that?’ she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
Again, Chandrashekhar says,’George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? S*ck this!’
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,  ‘Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.’
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the  teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re f**ked!’
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, ‘George Bush, Iraq, 2005.